Baby James

I feel compelled to write a little bit about the baby I lost this past summer. I have spoken about Baby Smith and Jonathan, so I only feel it is fair to introduce you to our Baby James. (This may seem morbid or too private for public consumption to some of you, but this is how I deal with my grief.) I will not go into all of the details of Baby James's short life because it was quite an ordeal, but, to summarize, his heart rate was too slow and he wasn't growing as rapidly as expected. My beta Hcg levels were also not increasing like they should. After our 6-week ultrasound, we were told that we had a 50/50 chance of losing the baby; then, after our subsequent ultrasound we were told that we would lose the baby. However, at the 9-week ultrasound, his heart rate had jumped up to normal and the OB told us there was an 80/20 chance that he would make it. About 1 1/2 weeks later I went in for another ultrasound and the baby had died. Based on the size of the baby, it appears that he died a day or so after the last ultrasound that indicated he would likely survive. Jeff and I were devastated to say the least. I was able to have a D & C later that day to remove the baby and my physical recovery was surprisingly quick; however, the emotional recovery is still continuing.

It's been almost 5 months since we lost Baby James and, while I am able to talk about him without crying, I still, on occassion, become overwhelmed with sadness for our loss. We chose not to do genetic testing on James, but my gut tells me that he was a boy, so that's why I refer to him as a male. We also chose to name him James because, of course, it starts with a "J", but also because my mother's father was named James. He died when my mom was 2 years old, so she never had a chance to know him. He was reportedly one of the most decent men to ever step foot on this earth, so I have always wondered what he was like and wished I could have had the chance to be a part of his short life. So, I felt it only appropriate to name my baby James because I will always wonder who he could have been: who he would have looked like, what type of personality he would have, what his voice would have sounded like, etc. I felt that giving my baby the name James would be the most appropriate honor I could bestow on the two greatest men I will never know.

(My grandfather is second from the left in the above photo. He has dark, wavy hair and glasses and is standing between the two older men.)